By Vanessa Okwara-
Sometime ago, social media sites buzzed with the disgusting pictures of a man who paraded his wife naked on the streets of Festac Town in Lagos because she cheated on him. According to the story that came with it, he caught her in the very act of adultery and decided she was the scum of the universe and deserves to be publicly disgraced.
He stripped her and forcefully dragged her all over the town amidst boos and woos from the cheering crowd that gathered to witness the ignominy of a fallen woman.
This man made the wife he spent dowry on a spectacle of shame as people shared and posted the pictures of her nakedness on their Facebook walls and blogs. There is an adage that says when a man is bitten by a dog, it is not newsworthy but when a man bites a dog, then it becomes news. This is the same treatment the story of a cheating wife receives especially in Nigeria.
People accept the news of a man cheating on his wife as normal occurrence but cry blue murder when a woman is caught cheating on her husband. In fact, a guy arrogantly told me that a man who does not cheat on his wife is not a full blooded man! According to his hypothesis, ‘how can a man enjoy eating only Egusi soup for the rest of his life?
He also needs to taste Vegetable and Ogbono soup once in a while because variety is the spice of life.’ I took him up on his theory and asked why the same supposition should not be given to women since God did not create their taste buds differently. He vehemently disagreed and even spits profanities and punishment for any woman that ventures into such acts.
This is the kind of reaction that usually greets the subject of wives cheating on their husbands. You see men raising their voices and suggesting what they will do if they find out their wife is cheating on them; yet they go about cheating on their wives with other women without batting an eyelid.
From what I gathered, the reason they find it difficult to forgive a cheating wife has to do with the male ego and pride. Men are simply possessive and territorial in nature.
To him, it is incomprehensible to forgive a cheating wife especially when he provides for her needs and does not fail to perform his conjugal rights with gusto. But women ask: You guys cheat all the time and women forgive you. When it’s reversed, why can’t you forgive?
For a betrayed man, it’s an offence against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity. A man also feels it is a heavy slight on his manhood if he discovers that his wife preferred sleeping with another man while still married to him. He will immediately believe she no longer finds him attractive or his prowess in bed is not good enough for her.
The questions men usually ask include: was he better than me in bed? How long has the affair been going on? Is she in love with her new lover? Was she sleeping with both of them at the same time?
These questions make the man’s blood to boil with anger, jealousy and total resentment of the woman. Cheating for men often tends to be opportunistic—they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and cheating doesn’t necessarily mean anything emotionally. In fact a man can sleep with a woman today and not remember her name again.
Men believe women are emotional beings and can only have an affair if they are emotionally involved with the other man and not just for sex and so find it difficult to accommodate such behaviour.
All the same, the bitter truth is this, no matter how much a guy cheats, there’s always one special girl he loves so much. The moment he finds out the girl cheated on him, it feels like the end of the world and more especially if the cheating happens to be in her matrimonial home.
Forgiveness is indeed a hard nut to crack when it comes to the issue of infidelity, especially for men. Yes, she did a dastardly thing by cheating on you with her colleague in the office or with an old flame but that should not make you throw away years of happiness you have established with this woman.
Nobody is above mistake, including you. If she shows remorse for what she did and begs for forgiveness, please find it in your heart to do so.
To err is human to forgive is divine. I would call a man who forgives his wife of infidelity a REAL MAN. This type of forgiveness basically brings some meaning to the vow “I will love her in good and BAD times. Divorce is not the solution!! Rather, forgive her and see how you can weather the storm to a better relationship.
Forgiveness restores your relationship with your partner, brings healing to your broken heart and bridge the gap such emotional upheaval must have wrecked on your marriage.
I hope the men out there realize that as they require and demand fidelity from their wives, they should be willing to give same measure back too. Fidelity runs on a two-way street, i.e both parties MUST give and receive same.